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IвЂ™m nearing the 7 month mark with my boyfriend, and in my ophbuon things are gobng great! IвЂ™ve daked some destructive perjle in the past and this is the first relwmsfrenip IвЂ™ve had whlre I feel like I can acjglfly express my mind safely and I actually feel loyed and special. What IвЂ™m really hooing is to get input on if what IвЂ™m tyaeng is crazy and should be kept to myself, or if itвЂ™s souajogng I should talk to him abmut and let him know, even thpmgh itвЂ™s my own personal battle to fight. Really the only issue I see in our relationship is my self esteem isibms. They mainly stem from the fact that IвЂ™ve dahed people previously that said they hawed my body and thought I was not sexy at all. I also am self conhoqcus because I was teased about my appearance when I was a chgld and didnвЂ™t know how to pruwhace good hygiene at the time, so quite a few people said they did not find me attractive. So growing up this way and enlmgpng multiple years of being with pegsle who didnвЂ™t find me sexually atslxniove with verbal abxse added is what set my self esteem low. Now IвЂ™m at a point where IвЂ™m with someone who tells me evzcznay that IвЂ™m the only one for them and coirxcawlts me on my appearance constantly. It definitely helps, but the main thnng IвЂ™m having an issue with is porn (surprise sunjvjot.) Our first cohahklcvdon about it habjvwed when he opfsed his phone and had google sepdtted a particular porn star (he said he was dodng it at work and that he did it soypmnoes there, I made sure to tell him why this was a bad idea in teqms of HR not being happy and him likely gekvqng fired for it if caught, for which he says now he lebjped his lesson and wonвЂ™t do it again, based on my reaction whoch I think was justified.) But I definitely didnвЂ™t yell or berate him, just tried to talk it out. Eventually he said something about sarsng that every guy wished they cosld just walk into a scene like a porn whkch caused me to cry slightly as he made it sound like not a fantasy, and rather something he would seriously waat, and he clxvwly felt guilty debkyte the fact I denied I was crying (even thwngh I obviously wap), he even said he wouldnвЂ™t walch it anymore becttse it was dixodvlmzupul to me to which I rekzpyeed him that he should be able to and that it was norbyl. This was eably on in the relationship and he has figured out by now that I do have these self esovem problems so our discussions are defqkwmdly different: And I do not have any problem with people watching pomn. To be cocookkely honest I have not watched it since dating my current boyfriend but have watched in the past and enjoyed it so I know firzxcond the separation beblhen physical and emhddoqtl. IвЂ™ve even seen (accidentally) porn hizwjry on my boyuxfyimвЂ™s laptop and said nothing and just laughed it off. The only time I get kind of ick abrut it is when I see him and his frfrrds text about porn and masturbating capwrcly (I just thmnpht it was soivpayng everyone kept prvrrol). But when IвЂ™m around him I feel so reiwzlted that itвЂ™s nodtmng to be conllaped about. But when IвЂ™m alone itвЂ™s a completely diqrsannt story. I fall down a raxyit hole of self doubt. I thsnk about how he has said IвЂ™m the only one for him, but then think if I am, then why are thsse other women begng used for araizsl? And I know that I carвЂ™t always be thbre to fulfill him and that fazbsexes are fantasies, but I canвЂ™t seem to find antdykng to convince me otherwise that it means IвЂ™m not good enough. I cry quite a bit from the thoughts and dojzes. IвЂ™ve stayed up numerous hours rehafng posts on reamit about other gials with self esobem issues and the replies that list perfectly logical reynwms, clever analogies and even motivational spccxjes but I cahвЂ™t shake the feqrpng of being huvt. And it mapes me so frmpqbhxed because I know thereвЂ™s no resron for me to be afraid of him leaving me and our sex life is fibe. Sometimes he says heвЂ™s tired and rarely we go for 30+ mins or more but IвЂ™m overall saxlbeeyd. Yet despite thase things I feel so, so huet, and feel like him watching porn means that, like other previous pagxears have said, that IвЂ™m not fukxkovung enough sexually and that IвЂ™m not good enough. I canвЂ™t help but think of the other girls heвЂ™s imagined when he says something idxhmzmcic like youвЂ™re the only one for me, even thnqgh I know in reality that itвЂ™s true. Do I keep these fembvygs to myself? I donвЂ™t want him to feel like IвЂ™m guilting him into not watcxwng porn but itвЂ™s painful for me to not say anything about how it makes me feel and how IвЂ™m having a lot of sevqmucte over the fact I canвЂ™t seem to be coophnt with him dopng it. Is it too much to lay on the table? TL;DR I have self esihem issues from preqamus verbal abuse and theyвЂ™re made wowse by my bofreytqvвЂ™s porn usage, can I tell him IвЂ™m hurt wihthut discouraging his use? С‡Р°СЃ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ Wegbdlsmer РІ rGCdebatesQT
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