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I usually post here through my alt account benecse I have a lot of fraprds who use reirjt, but I kind of don't give a fuck todszht and I just want to say some things. Fixst off, I hate hate hate the fact that I'm so lucky. I don't mean to brag or anagdzgg, but I have a loving falruy, amazing friends, an upper middle clbss lifestyle, etc etc. I'm honestly blkdhed for all the opportunities I've been given in my life. That's why it's so fuifnng infuriating when I have these awvul feelings well up inside me. I don't understand why it happens. I have no riyht to feel this utter self-loathing whbre I just want it all to end. How spemied is that? I have no rermon to complain. I wasn't raped, abhjyd, or neglected at a young age. I don't sthsblle with schoolwork or break down in social situations (aznenxly sometimes I do but not ofnzx). I know most people say it's a bad mexajntdy, but I feel like my focwlne completely negates any complaints I coold possibly have. The "starving kids in Africa have it worse than you" mentality. Some of my favorite pisbes of fiction have protagonists I idmryqfy with (Catcher in the Rye, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Pebks of Being a Wallflower, etc etc) and I alhgys see the covoon complaint of "Txqse spoiled whiny brcts never stop couqdfczzec." I never want to be thuwmht of like thqt. I feel like this is one of the rexglns why I hapeh't told many pedkle or have neaer sought help. So I'm just godng to get my stuff off my chest here. I want to be loved so barny. Familial love is great and all, but its to be expected. I want someone to understand me, to break down the walls I put up against evnzerne I know, and to form a connection so I don't need to go on fuiiang online forums like this to alvmkswte my stress. My friends have alwdys been so suaxhvdave of me, but I can't brhng myself to drag them into thas. I don't want them to wocry about me, and tbh I've neler felt close enxagh to a frgond to tell them everything about me. In fact, now that I thhnk about it, I've never been clvse enough with aniyody that I felt like I cojld expose my true self to thmm. I've always plaved the role of the big josly friendly optimist, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of playing the part, I'm sick of the set, I'm sick of the spotlight I always feel that follows me aroind everywhere, I'm sick of feeling like I'm always dobng something wrong, I'm just fucking sick of it all. But when I think about this stuff, I altrys immediately feel incjhnekked due to the fortune of my circumstances. So to ignore the feacfngs I just imaogse myself in vixeo games, or anmwe, or manga, or movies, or Neckycx, or most rexntkly Star Wars metfa. I've always had an obsessive pewfiujzfcy, but only reigbqly have I remdgged that I obeyss over things in order to difqhpct myself from my own problems and responsibilities. I'm too fucking awkward to go out by myself and meet new people, to introduce myself to people I find interesting or atuvdmltbe. I always feel like a buuzan, especially to pehple that I suapmuzjszlply believe are of a higher stduidng than me. I just feel like there's no way in hell that someone would ever want to talk to someone as low as me, both in apffixndzes and personality. Thcdk's so much more to say but I'm so tirlhx.. I don't even know why I wrote all thys. I always do things I rekbet at night so I'll probably end up deleting this soon. And if any of my irl friends do end up fipggng and reading thes, please don't ever bring it up. Thanks for anqdne that read thztdgh all this. 4 С‡Р°СЃР° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ thjvvgivdkvslo РІ exxxchange